Thursday, December 14, 2006
Understanding Engineers!
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding
my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to
the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
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Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for
fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see i f there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
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Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
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Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
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Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
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Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
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Wednesday, December 13, 2006
THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2006:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter.
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace.
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge.
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND D AD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIF FE RENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Women!
The KMart greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Kmart. Nice children
you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't,
the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would
you think they're twins?........ Are you blind or just stupid? Do you really
think they look alike?"
" No", replies the greeter . "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice !"
