Friday, October 20, 2006
Little Old Ladies
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't."
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of
latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into
boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!
nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't."
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of
latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into
boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!
Band-Aids
A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking
buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as
quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs
bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around
and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back
pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to
suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby
darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids
and proceeded to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw
blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle
and stumble his way to bed.
In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and
his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were
drunk again last night."
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and
replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door. It could be the
glass at the bottom of the stairs. It could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house. It could be your bloodshot eyes, but,
mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"
buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as
quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs
bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around
and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back
pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to
suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby
darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids
and proceeded to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw
blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle
and stumble his way to bed.
In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and
his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were
drunk again last night."
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and
replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door. It could be the
glass at the bottom of the stairs. It could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house. It could be your bloodshot eyes, but,
mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"
Southern Born
Southern Born and Bred
The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press-on Nails
The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.
The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens
The North has lobsters,
The South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt..
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH -----------
In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four
men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is
what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same
store....do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all
y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You're not from 'round here, are ya?"
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how
to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They
can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep
into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol,"
truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced
dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Be
advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should
stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever
say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You
just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns,
they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green
lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will
accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the
oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
Have a good day!
The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press-on Nails
The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.
The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens
The North has lobsters,
The South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt..
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH -----------
In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four
men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is
what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same
store....do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all
y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You're not from 'round here, are ya?"
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how
to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They
can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep
into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol,"
truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced
dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Be
advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should
stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever
say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You
just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns,
they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green
lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will
accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the
oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
Have a good day!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
3 Minute Management Course
Lesson One:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.
____________________________________
Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get
to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull. " They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next
day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him
out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
_____________________________________
Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the
bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on
him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began
to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of
cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends the three minute management course.
__________________________________________________
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.
____________________________________
Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get
to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull. " They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next
day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him
out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
_____________________________________
Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the
bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on
him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began
to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of
cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends the three minute management course.
__________________________________________________
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Monday Morning Laughter
A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't prescribe him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose.
"The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up."
The doctor told him that he couldn't prescribe him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose.
"The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up."
Don't Ever Underestimate An Indian !!!
Kuttappan is an Indian.
Kuttappan was bragging to his Boss one day, "You know..... I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone important, and I'm sure I will know them."Tired of his boasting, his Boss called his bluff, "OK, Kuttappan, how about Tom Cruise?" Kuttappan replies "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Kuttappan and his Boss fly out to Hollywood and knock, on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts," Hey Kutz!! Great to see you! You and your friend must come in and join me for lunch!" They have a blast of a time. Katie Holmes even personally packs 2 sets of Masala Dosas, which is of course specially made by their South Indian chef. They bid each other farewell.
Although impressed, Kuttappan's Boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Kuttappan that he thinks Kuttappan's knowing Cruise was just lucky. Kuttappan says "No, no, you go ahead and just name anyone else." "President Bush!" his Boss quickly retorts. Kuttappan says "Yes, OK, but I am telling you I don't like him very much, he is very cunning, anyway let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Kuttappan on the tour and motions him and his Boss over, saying, "Kuttans! What a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting. The CIA just informed me Osama is heading for the Pakistan Border, Hey Kuttans, are you still on speaking terms with Osama, maybe you could confirm the information for me? Oh never mind! You and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."Well, the Boss is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Kuttappan who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope!" his Boss replies.
"Sure! This I like, I've been meaning to see him, he is not keeping too well y'know" says Kuttappan. "And I have a lot of friends in Vatican; it's like my second home! And me and the Pope go back a long way, surely this will be a good trip"
So off they fly to Rome. Kuttappan and his Boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Kuttappan says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." The Boss shakes his head unbelievably and says "Yeah right!!"
Still so, Kuttappan disappears into the crowd, headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Kuttappan emerges with the Pope on the balcony, waves to the crowds with the Pope and takes leave. But by the time Kuttappan returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his Boss' side, Kuttappan asks him, "What happened?" His Boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, and "Who's that on the balcony with Kuttappan?
Kuttappan was bragging to his Boss one day, "You know..... I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone important, and I'm sure I will know them."Tired of his boasting, his Boss called his bluff, "OK, Kuttappan, how about Tom Cruise?" Kuttappan replies "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Kuttappan and his Boss fly out to Hollywood and knock, on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts," Hey Kutz!! Great to see you! You and your friend must come in and join me for lunch!" They have a blast of a time. Katie Holmes even personally packs 2 sets of Masala Dosas, which is of course specially made by their South Indian chef. They bid each other farewell.
Although impressed, Kuttappan's Boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Kuttappan that he thinks Kuttappan's knowing Cruise was just lucky. Kuttappan says "No, no, you go ahead and just name anyone else." "President Bush!" his Boss quickly retorts. Kuttappan says "Yes, OK, but I am telling you I don't like him very much, he is very cunning, anyway let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Kuttappan on the tour and motions him and his Boss over, saying, "Kuttans! What a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting. The CIA just informed me Osama is heading for the Pakistan Border, Hey Kuttans, are you still on speaking terms with Osama, maybe you could confirm the information for me? Oh never mind! You and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."Well, the Boss is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Kuttappan who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope!" his Boss replies.
"Sure! This I like, I've been meaning to see him, he is not keeping too well y'know" says Kuttappan. "And I have a lot of friends in Vatican; it's like my second home! And me and the Pope go back a long way, surely this will be a good trip"
So off they fly to Rome. Kuttappan and his Boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Kuttappan says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." The Boss shakes his head unbelievably and says "Yeah right!!"
Still so, Kuttappan disappears into the crowd, headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Kuttappan emerges with the Pope on the balcony, waves to the crowds with the Pope and takes leave. But by the time Kuttappan returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his Boss' side, Kuttappan asks him, "What happened?" His Boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, and "Who's that on the balcony with Kuttappan?
Monday, October 16, 2006
CAREER PATH
An old couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were
a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career
path, so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put
them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they
weren't at home.
The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be a
businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes
the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited
nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home.
He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took
the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and took it. Then he
picked up the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he
grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be
assured of the quality, then he left for his room carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn! It's even worse than I
ever imagined..."
"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.
"He's gonna be a politician!" the father replied.
a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career
path, so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put
them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they
weren't at home.
The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be a
businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes
the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited
nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home.
He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took
the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and took it. Then he
picked up the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he
grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be
assured of the quality, then he left for his room carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn! It's even worse than I
ever imagined..."
"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.
"He's gonna be a politician!" the father replied.
710?
Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
They all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What's a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the
middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car that had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
See picture to learn the identity of the mysterious 710.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Irish Joke
"Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue play standing until Michael O'Conner looks around and asks,"Ok, me lads," someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me" Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home"
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue play standing until Michael O'Conner looks around and asks,"Ok, me lads," someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me" Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home"
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
