Friday, January 19, 2007
I love this doctor!!!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ......... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Great Humour
American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit fromreceiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. Just thought you'd like to know.
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"Police in Czechoslovakia discovered a woman last week who had been sleeping next to her dead husband for two years because she could not accept his death.
This proves just how long a marriage can last if a man just keeps his mouth shut."Jay Leno
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What is the Secret of long life ??Morning two eggs, evening two pegs......and night two legs.
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There are 3 people walking down the street: the perfect man, the perfectwoman, and Mickey Mouse. They see a $50 bill on the street. Who picks itup?
The perfect woman (naturally), because the other two are fictional characters!
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'Every soul in this world has a pole or a hole'. When a pole goes inside the hole, a new soul comes out either with a pole or a hole.
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QUESTION : What is the difference between Monica Lewinski and Monica Seles?
ANSWER : Though both are good with balls but Seles is a tennis player and Lewinski is a penis player.
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A man to his wife: "Let me take photo of your breasts, so I can see them the whole day.
Wife replies: "Let me take a photo of your penis; at least I can enlarge the copy."
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QUESTION : What is rape?
ANSWER : Rape is sexual operation without co-operation where there is insertion of an erection into a depression without permission.
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Behind every successful woman, there is a satisfied man. But behind a satisfied woman, there is an exhausted man.
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Sex is like a restaurant. Sometimes you get full, satisfactory service, and sometimes you have to be satisfied with "self-service".
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. Just thought you'd like to know.
-----
"Police in Czechoslovakia discovered a woman last week who had been sleeping next to her dead husband for two years because she could not accept his death.
This proves just how long a marriage can last if a man just keeps his mouth shut."Jay Leno
-----
What is the Secret of long life ??Morning two eggs, evening two pegs......and night two legs.
-----
There are 3 people walking down the street: the perfect man, the perfectwoman, and Mickey Mouse. They see a $50 bill on the street. Who picks itup?
The perfect woman (naturally), because the other two are fictional characters!
-----
'Every soul in this world has a pole or a hole'. When a pole goes inside the hole, a new soul comes out either with a pole or a hole.
-----
QUESTION : What is the difference between Monica Lewinski and Monica Seles?
ANSWER : Though both are good with balls but Seles is a tennis player and Lewinski is a penis player.
-----
A man to his wife: "Let me take photo of your breasts, so I can see them the whole day.
Wife replies: "Let me take a photo of your penis; at least I can enlarge the copy."
-----
QUESTION : What is rape?
ANSWER : Rape is sexual operation without co-operation where there is insertion of an erection into a depression without permission.
-----
Behind every successful woman, there is a satisfied man. But behind a satisfied woman, there is an exhausted man.
-----
Sex is like a restaurant. Sometimes you get full, satisfactory service, and sometimes you have to be satisfied with "self-service".
