Friday, December 22, 2006
The LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS !!
"What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companionand that it would be a woman.
God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle ofthe night to take care of them.
She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need "it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history..
How One of Your Boys Might Be Able to Buy a Porsche
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today. "
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs.."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back.
He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Angry Preacher
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community can not tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!" No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!" Again all was quiet.
Slowly a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Mistaken Assumption
A salesman checked into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a Haircut before the next day's
meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if
there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically,
"but down the hall from your room is a vending machine
that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine,
inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the
opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and
whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his
head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the
best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that
read, 'Manicures, $20.00.'
"Why not?" thought the salesman.
He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and
the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds
later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly
manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine
Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their
Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the
machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation,
stuck his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a
shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds
later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to
withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button
sewn on the end.
