Friday, September 22, 2006
Confessions...
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said,
"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's
and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said,
"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's
and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
Newsmaker
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues.
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, and many children,
grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls
who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times."
Priest: 'And Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Then why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody!"
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, and many children,
grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls
who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times."
Priest: 'And Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Then why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody!"
Drugs Dillusion
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
Memory Decay?
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young
girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is. "I'm
90 years old," he says.
"Ninety!" comments the madam "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," said the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is. "I'm
90 years old," he says.
"Ninety!" comments the madam "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," said the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
What Faces Mean To The Chinese
An American, Japanese and Chinese guy went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on. The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face rather than his private part.
The Chinese replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize." .
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on. The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face rather than his private part.
The Chinese replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize." .
Lessons in Logic
If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
.........................................................
I was born intelligent - education ruined me.
.........................................................
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
.........................................................
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
.........................................................
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
.........................................................
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
.........................................................
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
.........................................................
One should love animals. They are so tasty.
.........................................................
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
.........................................................
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
.........................................................
The wise never marry,
and when they marry they become otherwise.
.........................................................
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
.........................................................
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
.........................................................
"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep
.........................................................
There should be a better way to start a day.
Than waking up every morning
.........................................................
"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk
.........................................................
"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours
.........................................................
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
.........................................................
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
.........................................................
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
.........................................................
I was born intelligent - education ruined me.
.........................................................
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
.........................................................
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
.........................................................
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
.........................................................
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
.........................................................
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
.........................................................
One should love animals. They are so tasty.
.........................................................
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
.........................................................
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
.........................................................
The wise never marry,
and when they marry they become otherwise.
.........................................................
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
.........................................................
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
.........................................................
"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep
.........................................................
There should be a better way to start a day.
Than waking up every morning
.........................................................
"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk
.........................................................
"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours
.........................................................
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
.........................................................
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
.........................................................
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Smiles
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Australia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Australia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
