Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Pedro ... why? why?
When Pedro and Maria got married, he was a very experienced man, but she was totally naïve. On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria said, "Pedro! What is that?"
Pedro was a quick thinker. "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And then he proudly showed her what it was for. Maria was happy. After the honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work, only to return home to find an upset Maria waiting on their front porch.
"Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!"
Ever fast on his feet, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one." A sceptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home the next day, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch.
"Maria? Now what's wrong?"
"Dammit, Pedro. You gave the best one to Gonzalez!"
Pedro was a quick thinker. "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And then he proudly showed her what it was for. Maria was happy. After the honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work, only to return home to find an upset Maria waiting on their front porch.
"Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!"
Ever fast on his feet, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one." A sceptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home the next day, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch.
"Maria? Now what's wrong?"
"Dammit, Pedro. You gave the best one to Gonzalez!"
Don't die laughing at this one!
Please read until the very last line.
One day, I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans just to keep him happy.
Some months later, on my birthday , my car broke down on the way home fromwork. Since I lived in the countryside, I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home. So I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival,my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight. "He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took aseat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable. So while my husband was out of the room, I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than choked garbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold and I nearly died when I saw twelve dinner guests seated around the table and they all chorused, "HappyBirthday!"
One day, I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans just to keep him happy.
Some months later, on my birthday , my car broke down on the way home fromwork. Since I lived in the countryside, I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home. So I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival,my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight. "He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took aseat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable. So while my husband was out of the room, I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than choked garbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold and I nearly died when I saw twelve dinner guests seated around the table and they all chorused, "HappyBirthday!"
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Humour: The New Priest...
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the
door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, and NOT a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the
door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, and NOT a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Monday, September 04, 2006
You 're the father of one of my kids?
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had wild sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "Um... No.... I'm your son's math teacher."
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had wild sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "Um... No.... I'm your son's math teacher."
