Saturday, November 25, 2006
More Blonde Jokes
TWO BLONDES
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking. And
one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away,
Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story? "He replies, "Just crap in the
carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys
would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license
and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can
I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then
down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side!"
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that
her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor.
"Show me."The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left hand and
screamed; then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She
pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and
screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said,
"You're not really a redhead, are you?""Well, no" she said, "I'm
actually a blonde.""I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is
broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde
yelled back; "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the
first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the
first on the sun!"The Russian and the American looked at each other
and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll
burn up!" said the Russian.To which the Blonde replied, "We're not
stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
it?"She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying
that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,
"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooooo......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs"
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking. And
one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away,
Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story? "He replies, "Just crap in the
carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys
would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license
and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can
I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then
down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side!"
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that
her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor.
"Show me."The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left hand and
screamed; then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She
pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and
screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said,
"You're not really a redhead, are you?""Well, no" she said, "I'm
actually a blonde.""I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is
broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde
yelled back; "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the
first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the
first on the sun!"The Russian and the American looked at each other
and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll
burn up!" said the Russian.To which the Blonde replied, "We're not
stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
it?"She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying
that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,
"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooooo......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs"
SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN
AT THE
"LEARNING CENTER"
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY
Monday, August 31, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things ---
Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly Wh ile She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and
Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined..
Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for
the best chuckle of their day!
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Ten Commandments for Those Over Fifty Years Old
1. Focus on enjoying people, not on indulging in or accumulating material things.
2. Plan to spend whatever you have saved. You deserve to enjoy it and the few healthy years you have left. Travel if you can afford it. Don't leave anything for your children or loved ones to quarrel about. By leaving anything, you may even cause more trouble when you are gone.
3. Live in the here and now, not in the yesterdays and tomorrows. It is only today that you can handle. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may not even happen.
4. Enjoy your grandchildren (if blessed with any) but don't be their full time baby sitter. You have no moral obligation to take care of them. Don't have any guilt about refusing to baby sit anyone's kids, including your own grandkids. Your parental obligation is to your children. After you have raised them into responsible adults, your duties of child-rearing or babysitting are finished. Let your children raise their own off-springs.
5. Accept physical weakness, sickness and other physical pains. It is a part of the aging process. Enjoy whatever your health can allow.
6. Enjoy what you are and what you have right now. Stop working hard for what you do not have. If you don't have them, it's probably too late.
7. Enjoy your life with your spouse, children, grandchildren and friends. People, who truly love you, love you for yourself, not for what you have. Anyone who loves you for what you have will just give you misery.
8. Forgive and accept forgiveness. Forgive yourself and others. Enjoy peace of mind and peace of soul.
9. Befriend death. It's a natural part of the life cycle. Don't be afraid of it. Death is the beginning of a new and better life. So, prepare yourself not for death but for a new life with the Almighty.
10. Be at peace with your Creator. For ... He is all you have after you leave this life.
2. Plan to spend whatever you have saved. You deserve to enjoy it and the few healthy years you have left. Travel if you can afford it. Don't leave anything for your children or loved ones to quarrel about. By leaving anything, you may even cause more trouble when you are gone.
3. Live in the here and now, not in the yesterdays and tomorrows. It is only today that you can handle. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may not even happen.
4. Enjoy your grandchildren (if blessed with any) but don't be their full time baby sitter. You have no moral obligation to take care of them. Don't have any guilt about refusing to baby sit anyone's kids, including your own grandkids. Your parental obligation is to your children. After you have raised them into responsible adults, your duties of child-rearing or babysitting are finished. Let your children raise their own off-springs.
5. Accept physical weakness, sickness and other physical pains. It is a part of the aging process. Enjoy whatever your health can allow.
6. Enjoy what you are and what you have right now. Stop working hard for what you do not have. If you don't have them, it's probably too late.
7. Enjoy your life with your spouse, children, grandchildren and friends. People, who truly love you, love you for yourself, not for what you have. Anyone who loves you for what you have will just give you misery.
8. Forgive and accept forgiveness. Forgive yourself and others. Enjoy peace of mind and peace of soul.
9. Befriend death. It's a natural part of the life cycle. Don't be afraid of it. Death is the beginning of a new and better life. So, prepare yourself not for death but for a new life with the Almighty.
10. Be at peace with your Creator. For ... He is all you have after you leave this life.
Female brains
Ok Something for the women to cheer abt....
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope." "Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked: how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded,"$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains because they've actually been used."
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope." "Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked: how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded,"$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains because they've actually been used."
Lexus
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it.
As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her.
"Good day, Madame, how may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price!"
As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her.
"Good day, Madame, how may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price!"
Police chase
A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km / hr to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, What the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car \ to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back".
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km / hr to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, What the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car \ to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back".
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"
Old Lady in Heven
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood-curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams. "Oh my God," says the old lady, "Now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there'" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams. "Oh my God," says the old lady, "Now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there'" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."
