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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined
to make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would
identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a
store and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals.


The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and
the
scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a string bikini came
walking straight towards them.


They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and
said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and
addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by.


They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were
priests?


So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you
saw them. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in
their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous
blonde, this time topless with just a thong bikini, taking her sweet
time,came walking toward them.


Again she nodded at each of them, she said, "Good morning, Father. Good
morning, Father," and started to walk away.


One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a
minute young lady."


"Yes, Father?", she said.


"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world
did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"


"Father, it's me, Sister Margaret."

MAINTAINING A DISTANCE OF 5 PACES BEHIND!

Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender
roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk
behind their husbands.

From Ms. Walters's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the
oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further
back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do
you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so
desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without
hesitation, said, "Land mines."

MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN.

When Insults Have Class

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -- Billy Wilde

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an Englishman,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that use Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization!

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach.

Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his
private parts with a newspaper.

The little girl says, "What's under there?"

So the man answers, "A bird."

The girl goes away and the man falls asleep.

When he wakes up, he was in a hospital and in great pain.

A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, "What happened?"

The man answers, "I don't know. I was at the beach and
I fell asleep after talking to a little girl."

So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the
beach to find any witnesses.

When they get there, they see the little girl the man was
talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the
man.

She answers, " I didn't do anything to the man, but while
he was sleeping, I played with his bird.

After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its
nest, and smashed all its eggs.