Thursday, August 31, 2006
Gambling Blonde
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ..and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled," Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."
Moral...
- Not all Southerners are stupid.
- Not all blondes are dumb.
- But, all men..... are men.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled," Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."
Moral...
- Not all Southerners are stupid.
- Not all blondes are dumb.
- But, all men..... are men.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
NO MORE 5C'S BUT NEW 5B'S
Well.....here is something to link the 5 Cs to the newer 5 Bs:
I don't need a CAR, but I want a BMW
I don't need a CONDO, but I want a BUNGALOW
I don't need you to have CASH but I want you to own a BANK
I don't need you to have a CAREER but I want you to be a BOSS
It's interesting for you to read! Most of you would have heard of the Singapore 5 C's! :
Car, Condo, Credit Card(Gold), Cash and Career. Heard of the 5B's?
B - BMW
B - Body
B - Brain
B - Billionaire
B – Bungalow
And, and addition with the 5 K's ...
Kiasu (scared of losing)
Kiasee (scared of dying)
Kiabor (scared of wife)
Kiaboh (scared of having nothing)
Kiachenghu (scared of government)
We've been reading about the 5 C's! and 5 K's for Singaporeans, now comes the 5 Numerals and Malaysia's equivalent... Singapore's "practice" for Simple Living :
1 - One Wife
2 - Two Children
3 - Three Bedroom Condo
4 - Four Wheels
5 - Five Figure Salary
Malaysia's Malays "practice" to Simple Living:
5 - Five Children
4 - Four Wives
3 - Three Figure Salary
2 - Two Wheels
1 - One-Storey Link House
HR Memo to Staff
To all Employees:
Effective January 2007
Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Holiday Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Compassionate Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Bird Management
Effective January 2007
Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Holiday Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Compassionate Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Bird Management
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Art of Persuasion
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday in front of the Judge. The Judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge aid to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles ! like this: O o ....and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable!" said the Judge.
To the second boy the judge said," And you, how did you do?"
"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing!! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles ... o O .....and said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison....."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge aid to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles ! like this: O o ....and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable!" said the Judge.
To the second boy the judge said," And you, how did you do?"
"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing!! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles ... o O .....and said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison....."
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Another Monkey Joke
Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he'sdrinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything insight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a Maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks. "No, what?" replies the guy."Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything insight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a Maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks. "No, what?" replies the guy."Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
