Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Two Women Meet in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him, but instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
Monday, October 09, 2006
A COLLECTION OF ONE LINERS
* All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
* I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
* What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
* One nice thing about egotists ... they don't talk about other people.
* Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up,he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
* Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
* Is there another word for synonym?
* Is it possible to be totally partial?
* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
* Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Goodbye, Mum rr
Finally I went to the checkout line, but she got in front of me.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," I said to her, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye, Mum?' It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," I said. An odd request, but no harm would come of it. As the old woman was leaving, I called out, "Goodbye, Mum!"
As I stepped up to the checkout counter, I saw that my total was $1027.50.
"How can that be?" I asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the cashier.
Fish tale..
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still aliv e, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."
Emergency Timer?
He walks in and asks, "What's for breakfast?"
She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."
He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they do it.
Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"
She says "The egg timer's broken!"
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Black Panties- good one...
Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom, I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?
She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night...
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: "What's with this black condom?"
He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences"
