Friday, January 26, 2007
They walk among us
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house To getrid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:"Free to good home.You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge satthere without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so hechanged the sign to read:"Fridge for sale $50". Thenext day someone stole it. Caution . . .. . .
They Walk Among Us!
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the realestate agent which direction was north because, heexplained, he didn't want the sun waking him upevery morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in theNorth?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook herhead and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.". . .
They Walk Among Us!
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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual whoasked what hours the call center was open. I toldhim, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said,"Uh, Pacific" . . . . . ... . .
They Walk Among Us!
==========
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in ourcafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburnshe got on her weekend drive to the shore.
She drovedown in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd getsunburned because the car was moving". . . . . . . . .
They Walk Among Us!
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it'sdesigned to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . . .
They Walk Among Us!
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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed thatthe cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a bigparty, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. . . .
They Walk Among Us!
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a womanwith a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that aperson's nose and ear remain the same distance apartno matter which way the head is turned. . . . . . .. . .
They Walk Among Us!
=========
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggagearea. So I went to the lost luggage office and toldthe woman there that my bags never showed up. Shesmiled and told me not to worry because she was atrained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet? " . . . .. . .
They Walk Among Us!
=========
While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a manordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cutinto 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for sometime before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces;
I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.. . . Yep,. .
They Walk Among Us too.
He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so hechanged the sign to read:"Fridge for sale $50". Thenext day someone stole it. Caution . . .. . .
They Walk Among Us!
==========
While looking at a house, my brother asked the realestate agent which direction was north because, heexplained, he didn't want the sun waking him upevery morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in theNorth?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook herhead and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.". . .
They Walk Among Us!
==========
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual whoasked what hours the call center was open. I toldhim, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said,"Uh, Pacific" . . . . . ... . .
They Walk Among Us!
==========
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in ourcafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburnshe got on her weekend drive to the shore.
She drovedown in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd getsunburned because the car was moving". . . . . . . . .
They Walk Among Us!
==========
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it'sdesigned to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . . .
They Walk Among Us!
==========
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed thatthe cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a bigparty, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. . . .
They Walk Among Us!
==========
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a womanwith a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that aperson's nose and ear remain the same distance apartno matter which way the head is turned. . . . . . .. . .
They Walk Among Us!
=========
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggagearea. So I went to the lost luggage office and toldthe woman there that my bags never showed up. Shesmiled and told me not to worry because she was atrained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet? " . . . .. . .
They Walk Among Us!
=========
While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a manordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cutinto 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for sometime before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces;
I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.. . . Yep,. .
They Walk Among Us too.
Sid and Al, both Jews, were having dinner in a Chinese restaurant. During
their conversation, Sid asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?" "I don't
know," replied Al. "Why don't we ask our Chinese waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there Chinese Jews?' The waiter
said, "I don't know sir, let me ask," and went into the kitchen.
He returned a few minutes later and said, "No sir. No, Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked. "I check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back
to the kitchen.
While he was gone, Sid said to Al, "I can't believe there are no Jews in
China. Our people are scattered everywhere." At this point, the waiter
returned. "Sir, no Chinese Jews," he said. Are you really sure, man?"
Al asked again. "I can't believe there are no Chinese Jews." Exasperated,
the waiter frantically said, "Sir, I ask everyone!
"We have Apple Jews, Orange Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews. But no one hear of Chinese Jews!"
their conversation, Sid asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?" "I don't
know," replied Al. "Why don't we ask our Chinese waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there Chinese Jews?' The waiter
said, "I don't know sir, let me ask," and went into the kitchen.
He returned a few minutes later and said, "No sir. No, Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked. "I check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back
to the kitchen.
While he was gone, Sid said to Al, "I can't believe there are no Jews in
China. Our people are scattered everywhere." At this point, the waiter
returned. "Sir, no Chinese Jews," he said. Are you really sure, man?"
Al asked again. "I can't believe there are no Chinese Jews." Exasperated,
the waiter frantically said, "Sir, I ask everyone!
"We have Apple Jews, Orange Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews. But no one hear of Chinese Jews!"
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Farting......
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! Afteryears of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! Afteryears of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
