Saturday, October 28, 2006
Women Verses Men
WOMEN' S REVENGE
"Cash, cheque card or charge-card?" I asked, after folding up the items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" The wife said "See".
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and beautiful all at the same time. The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me " The wife fetched the Bible, and opened The New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. ThePaper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece !!!!
"Cash, cheque card or charge-card?" I asked, after folding up the items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" The wife said "See".
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and beautiful all at the same time. The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me " The wife fetched the Bible, and opened The New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. ThePaper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece !!!!
Friday, October 27, 2006
Proof before selling
A little old lady moves to a new town and goes to her local grocery
store to buy some cat food. She picks up 3 cans and takes them to the
check-out counter.
The girl at the cash register says, "I'm sorry but we can't sell you
cat food without proof that you have a cat. Lots of older people buy
cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying
the food for a real cat."
The little old lady doesn't like it, but she goes home and brings her
cat back to the store. They sell her the cat food.
The next day she goes in to buy 3 cans of dog food. Again the cashier
demands proof that she has a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog
food. She angrily goes home to get her dog. When she brings him back, she
gets her dog food.
The next day she comes into the store carrying a box with a hole in
the lid. When she asks the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier refuses. "No, you might have a snake in there!"
The old lady insists, telling her that there's nothing alive in the
box.
So the cashier puts her finger in the box and feels something odd. She
pulls her finger out and says, "Eww, that smells like shit!"
The little old lady says, "It is. Now can I buy 3 rolls of toilet
paper?"
WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH
When I got back from Lithuania last week I had a bunch of Litas I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short queue.
Just one guy in front of me... an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"
Short queue.
Just one guy in front of me... an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"
WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH
Deodorant & Deodorant
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some Rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm Deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container .......
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some Rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm Deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container .......
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Science Puzzle
This is an interesting but corny riddle. Try to solve it on yourown....................
Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers.
One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years, tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot.
Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment. He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current wasgiven to him!
But to everyone's amazement, he survived.
The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession. After a few months, this time, a goodlooking middle aged woman tried to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately, this time also, the good looking middle aged woman came under the bus and died on the spot.
Again angry passengers took him to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge took one look at the conductor and gave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.
This time also to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession. A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus. This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experiences, stopped the bus.
Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries. The conductor was taken to the policestation and then to the court, to the same judge. Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment.
The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time he died instantly !!!!!!!!!!!
The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions, but died instantly the third time??
Try to solve it yourself. This is rather interesting and answer is perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle once again. If you still you can't! Then look below.........
tired?....
wanna know the answer????
Answer : During the first two times, the conductor was a BadConductor, therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But during the third time, he was a good conductor, electricity passed through him freely and he died!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ha Ha Ha ha !!!!!!!! Obviously you gotta revise your science chapter on Electricity ???
Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers.
One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years, tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot.
Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment. He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current wasgiven to him!
But to everyone's amazement, he survived.
The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession. After a few months, this time, a goodlooking middle aged woman tried to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately, this time also, the good looking middle aged woman came under the bus and died on the spot.
Again angry passengers took him to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge took one look at the conductor and gave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.
This time also to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession. A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus. This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experiences, stopped the bus.
Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries. The conductor was taken to the policestation and then to the court, to the same judge. Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment.
The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time he died instantly !!!!!!!!!!!
The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions, but died instantly the third time??
Try to solve it yourself. This is rather interesting and answer is perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle once again. If you still you can't! Then look below.........
tired?....
wanna know the answer????
Answer : During the first two times, the conductor was a BadConductor, therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But during the third time, he was a good conductor, electricity passed through him freely and he died!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ha Ha Ha ha !!!!!!!! Obviously you gotta revise your science chapter on Electricity ???
Remember who?
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the
midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I`m not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a
healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the
baby is BLACK."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and
nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was
BLACK."
"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that`s really none of my business
and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must
also tell you that the baby has BLONDE hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see, the co-star in the movie was
this SWEDISH guy."
"Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that`s really none of my business
either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has SLANTED EYES."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was also a little CHINESE man in the
movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her
to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.
The baby starts CRYING and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that
she was going to BARK."
midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I`m not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a
healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the
baby is BLACK."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and
nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was
BLACK."
"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that`s really none of my business
and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must
also tell you that the baby has BLONDE hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see, the co-star in the movie was
this SWEDISH guy."
"Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that`s really none of my business
either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has SLANTED EYES."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was also a little CHINESE man in the
movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her
to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.
The baby starts CRYING and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that
she was going to BARK."
Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take thewords back... or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow andasked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went backMy husband didn't say a word.....he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes,I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,"I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counterasked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY : While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening," If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly..
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking" OhLord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clotheswith me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell wasgetting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident? "This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laughthey'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night? "Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take thewords back... or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow andasked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went backMy husband didn't say a word.....he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes,I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,"I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counterasked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY : While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening," If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly..
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking" OhLord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clotheswith me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell wasgetting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident? "This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laughthey'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night? "Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Sunday, October 22, 2006
"Daddy, what is sex?"
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard and
asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but
decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then
she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all
about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of
intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with
her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on
her face, the father asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
The little girl replied: "Mom says that dinner will be ready in just a
coupl e of sec 's!"
asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but
decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then
she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all
about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of
intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with
her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on
her face, the father asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
The little girl replied: "Mom says that dinner will be ready in just a
coupl e of sec 's!"
