Jokes : Software : Robots : eBooks : Gadgets

MORAL OF THE STORY

2009-06-16T00:14:00.004+08:00

LESSON 1=======A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas , on a

Women are like an Internet Virus.

2007-04-18T23:58:00.000+08:00

Women are like an Internet Virus.They ENTER your life, SCAN your pockets, TRANSFER your money, EDIT your mind, DOWNLOAD their problems, DELETE your smile and HANG you forever.

Dear Tech Support:

2007-03-08T01:26:00.001+08:00

Dear Tech Support:Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6. I

Dear Tech Support:

2007-03-08T01:26:00.000+08:00

Why it is important to understand English

2007-03-07T23:20:00.000+08:00

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated. He asked the teller

Church Bulletin said What

2007-03-02T23:37:00.000+08:00

These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service! This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please come early. Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing "Put Me In My

80 yr old..change your oil

2007-02-26T00:20:00.000+08:00

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor

Answer the Teachers....

2007-02-24T03:06:00.000+08:00

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. __________________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________TEACHER:

MARRY BY ALL MEANS

2007-02-14T21:47:00.000+08:00

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.David BissonetteWhen a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.Sacha GuitryAfter marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.Hemant JoshiBy all means marry. If you get a good wife,

Sick Leave

2007-02-14T13:40:00.000+08:00

I needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me totake a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell meto take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and madefunny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I toldher that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think Iwas "CRAZY" and give me a few days

Five Rules For A Happy Life:

2007-02-13T12:31:00.000+08:00

Five Rules For A Happy Life:1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks fromtime to time, cleans up and has a job.2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust and who doesn't lie.4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes tobe with you.5. It's very very important that these four women

SHIN WA !

2007-02-12T23:48:00.000+08:00

An American guy travels to Japan on business. After 3 days of intensemeetings, he's exhausted. After work he decides to go out and get somedinner and maybe have a few drinks. Well, after a few beers and some saki,he's feeling a little horny. He decides to go down the street to a geishabar. After a few more drinks he hires one of the women to go back to hishotel for some action.They go back,

Never Ask a Southern Grandma a Question

2007-02-06T00:50:00.000+08:00

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've

Living Life Backwards

2007-02-05T01:02:00.000+08:00

I want to live my next life backwards:You start out dead and get that out of the way.Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. Youwork 40 years until you're too young to work.You get ready for High School: drink alcohol,

More Blondes Jokes...

2007-02-01T00:59:00.000+08:00

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?" The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?" The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I

Lawyers!

2007-02-01T00:53:00.000+08:00

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass.He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids."The layers told him to bring them along.When they were all in the car,

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

2007-02-01T00:37:00.000+08:00

My tire was thumping.I thought it was flat.When I looked at the tire...I noticed your cat. Sorry!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Heard your wife left you,How upset you must be.But don't fret about it...She moved in with me.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Looking back over the years that we've been together,I can't help but wonder..."What the hell was I

Sperm Count

2007-01-28T01:57:00.000+08:00

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor to have a sperm count aspart of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well

They walk among us

2007-01-26T05:58:00.000+08:00

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house To getrid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:"Free to good home.You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge satthere without even one person looking twice at it.He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so hechanged the sign to read:"Fridge for

2007-01-26T04:28:00.000+08:00

Sid and Al, both Jews, were having dinner in a Chinese restaurant. Duringtheir conversation, Sid asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?" "I don'tknow," replied Al. "Why don't we ask our Chinese waiter?"When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there Chinese Jews?' The waitersaid, "I don't know sir, let me ask," and went into the kitchen.He returned a few minutes later and said, "No sir. No,

Farting......

2007-01-24T20:23:00.000+08:00

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead

I love this doctor!!!

2007-01-19T18:15:00.000+08:00

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSIONQ: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.Q:

Great Humour

2007-01-18T01:19:00.000+08:00

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit fromreceiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. Just thought you'd like to know.-----"Police in Czechoslovakia discovered a woman last week who had been sleeping next to her dead husband for

WHY AM I MARRIED?

2007-01-13T01:33:00.000+08:00

You have two choices in life:You can stay single and be miserable,or get married and wish you were dead.---------------------------------------------------At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?""Yes, I am. I married the wrong man." -----------------------------------------------------A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:"

Evidence of Global Warming?

2007-01-07T14:00:00.000+08:00

Can you read these right the first time?

2007-01-05T01:52:00.000+08:00

1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was

Initiative

2007-01-03T12:19:00.000+08:00

Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand."Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and importantdocument,and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?""Certainly," said the young executive.He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button."Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared insidethe shredder machine. "

Assholes

2007-01-03T12:14:00.000+08:00

The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was incharge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.Stomach.... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.Legs.......... I should be in charge because I take the brain

Punctuation is Powerful

2007-01-01T00:08:00.000+08:00

All,An English Professor wrote the words:-"A Women without her man is nothing"on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.All the males in the class wrote:-"A Women, without her man, is nothing"All the females in the class wrote:-"A Women: without her, man is nothing."

Osama sent Bush a letter

2006-12-27T19:12:00.000+08:00

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.Bush was baffled, so he faxed it to Condi Rice.Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.No

The Old Lady

2006-12-26T19:45:00.000+08:00

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out

The LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS !!

2006-12-22T01:10:00.000+08:00

So God asked him,"What is wrong with you?"Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.God said that He was going to make Adam a companionand that it would be a woman.God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you.She will always agree with every decision you make.She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the

How One of Your Boys Might Be Able to Buy a Porsche

2006-12-22T01:05:00.000+08:00

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today. ""With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs..""Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked."

Angry Preacher

2006-12-21T04:38:00.000+08:00

The preacher rose with a red face:"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community can not tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!" No one moved.The preacher continued, "Do you not have the

Mistaken Assumption

2006-12-19T03:29:00.000+08:00

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a Haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman

Understanding Engineers!

2006-12-14T01:22:00.000+08:00

Understanding Engineers - Take OneTwo engineering students were walking across a university campus when onesaid, "Where did you get such a great bike?"The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, mindingmy own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it tothe ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."The second engineer nodded

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2006:

2006-12-13T19:12:00.000+08:00

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter.[Imagine that!]Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.[No, really?]Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.[Now that's taking things a bit far!]Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.[What a guy!]Miners Refuse to Work after Death.[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]Juvenile

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

2006-12-10T19:37:00.000+08:00

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10 WHAT IS

Women!

2006-12-10T02:09:00.000+08:00

A loud mouthed , unattractive, mean bitch of a woman walks into K-Mart with her two kids in tow,screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.The KMart greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Kmart. Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't,the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the

Prisoner

2006-12-07T21:38:00.000+08:00

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and don'tknow anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first? "OK, sweetheart. Putting it simple, we will call your private place'the prison' and my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: putthe prisoner in the prison."And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with

Senior Moments 6

2006-12-07T02:00:00.000+08:00

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the yearsthey had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, theiractivities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to playcards.One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,"Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a longtime.....but I just can't think of your name! I've

Senior Moments 5

2006-12-07T01:59:00.000+08:00

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a parkbench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to meevery morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, freshfruit and freshly ground coffee."I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my

Senior Moments 4

2006-12-07T01:57:00.000+08:00

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casketout when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. Theyhear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman isactually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall

Senior Moments 3

2006-12-07T01:55:00.000+08:00

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They werestanding on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave cameup and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days andcouldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore withthe promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from

Senior moments 2

2006-12-07T01:54:00.000+08:00

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice inthe paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phonedand complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea,not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so ofcourse I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be betterfor

Senior Moment 1

2006-12-05T20:04:00.000+08:00

It could soon be us. Better to write down your personal detailssomewhere just in case ....ummmmmm but then you may forget where youkept it.Two elderly women were eating breakfast in arestaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel'sear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository inyour left ear?"Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it

Chinese Courier Service!

2006-12-03T01:40:00.000+08:00

A family in the Southern Province of China, were puzzledwhen the coffin of their dead grandmother arrived from the States.It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was so tightlysqueezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it! When theyopened the lid, they found a letter on top; which read as follows:Dear Cousins, I am sending Ahma body to you since it was herwish that she should

More Blonde Jokes

2006-11-25T18:41:00.000+08:00

TWO BLONDESTwo blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking. Andone blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away,Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?" CAR TROUBLEA blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic itdied. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.She says,

SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN

2006-11-25T02:32:00.000+08:00

AT THE"LEARNING CENTER"REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BYMonday, August 31, 2006NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVELOF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.Class 1How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.Class 2The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change

Ten Commandments for Those Over Fifty Years Old

2006-11-22T20:15:00.000+08:00

1. Focus on enjoying people, not on indulging in or accumulating material things.2. Plan to spend whatever you have saved. You deserve to enjoy it and the few healthy years you have left. Travel if you can afford it. Don't leave anything for your children or loved ones to quarrel about. By leaving anything, you may even cause more trouble when you are gone.3. Live in the here and now, not

Female brains

2006-11-22T00:27:00.000+08:00

Ok Something for the women to cheer abt....In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very

Lexus

2006-11-22T00:25:00.000+08:00

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it.As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her.Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there,

Police chase

2006-11-22T00:22:00.000+08:00

A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair."This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing."I can get away from him with no problem" thought

Old Lady in Heven

2006-11-22T00:21:00.000+08:00

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood-curdling screams."Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.Ten minutes later, there are more

Jane & Tarzan

2006-11-17T13:07:00.000+08:00

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged in sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes,

Priests

2006-11-17T00:15:00.000+08:00

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determinedto make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that wouldidentify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for astore and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals.The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb.They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink,

Always Watching Over You... Nearly!

2006-11-16T02:43:00.000+08:00

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Standstill! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run

MAINTAINING A DISTANCE OF 5 PACES BEHIND!

2006-11-16T02:42:00.000+08:00

MAINTAINING A DISTANCE OF 5 PACES BEHIND! Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters's vantage point, despite the overthrow of

When Insults Have Class

2006-11-16T02:40:00.000+08:00

When Insults Have Class"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner

Globalisation?

2006-11-13T13:47:00.000+08:00

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?Answer: Princess Diana's death.Question: How come?Answer: An English princesswith an Egyptian boyfriendcrashes in a French tunnel,driving a German carwith a Dutch engine,driven by a Belgian who was drunkon Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,on Japanese motorcycles;treated

DON'T LIE TO KIDS!!!

2006-11-13T13:44:00.000+08:00

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper.The little girl says, "What's under there?"So the man answers, "A bird."The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. When he wakes up, he was in a hospital and in great pain.A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, "What happened?"The man answers, "

Drunkard

2006-11-11T21:48:00.000+08:00

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?""Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?""It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly

My First time....

2006-11-10T01:25:00.000+08:00

It was my first time everAnd I'll never forgetI'd do it againWithout a single regret.The sky was darkThe moon was highWe were all aloneJust she and I. Her hair was softHer eyes were blueI knew just whatShe wanted to do. Her skin so softHer legs so fineI ran my fingersDown her spine. I didn't know howBut I tried my bestI started by placingMy hands on her breast. I remember my fearMy fast

Doctor's Office

2006-11-08T19:45:00.000+08:00

Doctor's Office:They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say infront of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tellher what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this oldguy handled it.An 86-year-old man walked into a

Do it Again

2006-11-06T19:24:00.000+08:00

A sixteen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a

Chinese Name

2006-11-03T21:04:00.000+08:00

Chinese Names - Annie Wan (Anyone)============================== Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? (Anyone) Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!(Anyone)Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?Caller: I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan!(Anyone) It's urgent.Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to

Short Jokes...

2006-11-03T20:59:00.000+08:00

(1) DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY Boy 1 : Why do you run from a naked lady? Boy 2 : Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!(2) NAMES OF WIVESA malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...4th wife..... baby doll3rd wife.....china doll2nd wife.....barbie doll1st wife..... panadol !(3) HOW INDIA GOT ITS

The Pirate

2006-11-03T02:16:00.000+08:00

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened?You look terrible.""What do you mean?" said the pirate. "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have thatbefore.""Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with acannon ball, but I'm fine now.""OK, but what about that hook? What happened to yourhand?""We were in another battle. I

The Gravy Ladle

2006-10-31T17:29:00.000+08:00

There's probably no one in the world who knows you more than your parents.After all, they conceived you and have participated intimately in your growing up years. They've changed your stinky diapers, coaxed you out of your worst tantrums, nursed you back to health from your worst fevers, and watched you slip in and out of embarrassing adolescent phases.There may be friends and partners who

Great Gift? Read this....

2006-10-31T16:25:00.000+08:00

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in

Good Idea... Hmmm

2006-10-31T16:14:00.000+08:00

A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again."Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"So the guy

Women Verses Men

2006-10-28T23:15:00.000+08:00

WOMEN' S REVENGE"Cash, cheque card or charge-card?" I asked, after folding up the items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."WIFE

Proof before selling

2006-10-27T16:48:00.000+08:00

A little old lady moves to a new town and goes to her local grocerystore to buy some cat food. She picks up 3 cans and takes them to thecheck-out counter.The girl at the cash register says, "I'm sorry but we can't sell youcat food without proof that you have a cat. Lots of older people buycat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buyingthe food for a real cat."The little old

WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH

2006-10-27T16:46:00.000+08:00

When I got back from Lithuania last week I had a bunch of Litas I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.Short queue.Just one guy in front of me... an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?"The

WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH

2006-10-27T16:39:00.000+08:00

Deodorant & DeodorantA blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some Rectum deodorant.The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more."I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have

Science Puzzle

2006-10-26T19:44:00.000+08:00

This is an interesting but corny riddle. Try to solve it on yourown.................... Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers.One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years, tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot.Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station,

Remember who?

2006-10-26T19:32:00.000+08:00

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by themidwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth."I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies."O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife."No, no boyfriend either.""Do you have a partner then?""No, I`m not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young

Think before you speak...

2006-10-26T19:14:00.000+08:00

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take thewords back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow andasked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a

"Daddy, what is sex?"

2006-10-22T22:26:00.000+08:00

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard andasked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, butdecided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, thenshe's old enough to get a straight answer.Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her allabout human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities

Little Old Ladies

2006-10-20T01:34:00.000+08:00

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, wasnervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on hisgloves."Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked."No, I don't.""Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank oflatex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in theirhands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them

Band-Aids

2006-10-20T01:31:00.000+08:00

A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinkingbuddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed asquietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairsbedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung aroundand he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each

Southern Born

2006-10-20T01:24:00.000+08:00

Southern Born and BredThe North has coffee houses,The South has Waffle Houses.The North has dating services,The South has family reunions.The North has switchblade knives,The South has Lee Press-on NailsThe North has double last names,The South has double first names.The North has Indy car races,The South has stock car races.The North has Cream of Wheat,The South has grits.The North has green

3 Minute Management Course

2006-10-18T02:30:00.000+08:00

Lesson One:An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A smallrabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and donothing?"The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the groundbelow the eagle and rested.All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.Management Lesson:To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very highup._

Monday Morning Laughter

2006-10-17T18:05:00.000+08:00

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't prescribe him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man."Because it's not safe," replied the doctor."But I need it really bad," said the man."Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my

Don't Ever Underestimate An Indian !!!

2006-10-17T18:00:00.000+08:00

Kuttappan is an Indian.Kuttappan was bragging to his Boss one day, "You know..... I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone important, and I'm sure I will know them."Tired of his boasting, his Boss called his bluff, "OK, Kuttappan, how about Tom Cruise?" Kuttappan replies "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."So Kuttappan and his Boss fly out to Hollywood

CAREER PATH

2006-10-16T01:15:00.000+08:00

An old couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents werea little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his careerpath, so they decided to do a small test.They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and putthem on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think theyweren't at home.The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he

710?

2006-10-16T01:06:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.They all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What's a seven-hundred-ten?"She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to

Irish Joke

2006-10-15T02:47:00.000+08:00

"Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue play standing until Michael O'Conner looks around and asks,"Ok, me lads," someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short

Two Women Meet in Heaven

2006-10-10T19:08:00.000+08:00

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?1st woman: I froze to death.2nd woman: How horrible!1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?2nd woman: I died of a

A COLLECTION OF ONE LINERS

2006-10-09T19:38:00.000+08:00

* I had amnesia once - maybe twice.* All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.* I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.* What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder* One nice thing about egotists ... they don't talk about other people.* Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up,he'll never be able to

Goodbye, Mum rr

2006-10-09T19:15:00.000+08:00

I was walking through the supermarket to pick up a few things when I noticed an old lady following me around. Thinking nothing of it, I ignored her and continued on.Finally I went to the checkout line, but she got in front of me."Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.""I'm very sorry,

Fish tale..

2006-10-09T19:12:00.000+08:00

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through

Emergency Timer?

2006-10-09T18:39:00.000+08:00

She was in the kitchen starting boiled eggs for breakfast.He walks in and asks, "What's for breakfast?"She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they do it.Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"She says "The egg timer's broken!"

Black Panties- good one...

2006-10-08T21:53:00.000+08:00

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom, I have someone for you to meet.Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he

Build Me a Bridge

2006-10-05T15:18:00.000+08:00

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the skyclouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind

Poker player... another Version

2006-10-03T19:15:00.000+08:00

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Ann, wasn't wearing any underwear ! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked

RETIREMENT IN TUCSON ESTATES

2006-10-03T19:06:00.000+08:00

Life in Tucson Estates.================A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Tucson Estates. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" "No", he replies, "I lived here years ago.""So, where were you all these years?" "In prison," he says. "Why did they put you in prison?"He looked at her, and very

LIZARD BIRTHING

2006-10-02T21:29:00.000+08:00

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in hisroom. "He's just

Court Humour

2006-09-30T22:42:00.000+08:00

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there._____________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

Your laugh for the day

2006-09-30T22:23:00.000+08:00

....If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise,because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake!